Inspirational Quotes on Humorous

“Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.”

“Swallowing your pride seldom leads to indigestion.”

“Sin wouldn't be so attractive if the wages were paid immediately.”

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.”

“Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If he is not the image of God, then he is a disease of the dust. If it is not true that a divine being fell, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head.”

“He (Lincoln) differed from fanatical moralists primarily in that he was always perplexed. No sooner did he believe he was doing God's will that he began to admit that God's purposes might be different from his own. In short, he never forgot the men's contrast between the absolute goodness of God and the faltering goodness of all who are in the finite predicament.”

“Most of the machinery of modern language is labour-saving machinery; and it saves mental labour very much more than it ought. Scientific phrases are used like scientific wheels and piston-rods to make swifter and smoother yet the path of the comfortable. Long words go rattling by us like long railway trains. We know they are carrying thousands who are too tired or too indolent to walk and think for themselves. It is a good exercise to try for once in a way to express any opinion one holds in words of one syllable. If you say “The social utility of the indeterminate sentence is recognized by all criminologists as a part of our sociological evolution towards a more humane and scientific view of punishment,” you can go on talking like that for hours with hardly a movement of the gray matter inside your skull. But if you begin “I wish Jones to go to gaol and Brown to say when Jones shall come out,” you will discover, with a thrill of horror, that you are obliged to think. The long words are not the hard words, it is the short words that are hard. There is much more metaphysical subtlety in the word “damn” than in the word “degeneration.”

“Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.”

“The formula 'Two and two make five' is not without its attractions.”

“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”

“Women, can't live with them, can't live without them.”

“By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”

“A little lie is like a little pregnancy-it doesn't take long before everyone knows.”

“A woman means by unselfishness chiefly taking trouble for others; a man means not giving trouble to others. Thus each sex regards the other as basically selfish.”

“The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.”

“It's so much easier to pray for a bore than to go and see one.”

“Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say 'infinitely' when you mean 'very'; otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.”

“He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.”

“I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”

“[...] dropped his master's head upon the floor with a pretty loud crash, and then, without an effort to lift it up, gazed upon the bystanders, as if he had done something rather clever than otherwise.”